


Things Shepard and Kaidan Squabble About

by MidnightMinx90



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Arguing, Based on a Tumblr Post, Established Relationship, Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Squabbling, couples being couples
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightMinx90/pseuds/MidnightMinx90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on <a href="http://bioticshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/120621382669/stonelions-spicyshimmy-thevanguard-i">this post</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Shepard and Kaidan Squabble About

 

  1.        Which Side of the Bed to Sleep on.



 

“Left side,” Kaidan says as he saunters into Shepard’s cabin carrying his bag of clothes.

“Left side of what?”

“Bed. I can’t sleep on the right side, or in the middle, or anywhere but the left side. If I sleep anywhere else I _literally_ get up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“You don’t actually mean that, Kaidan? Doesn’t that sound a bit over-the top? You don’t _really_ need to sleep on the left side?”

 

Kaidan raises one eyebrow, looks at Shepard for a few seconds to give him the chance to back down (which he doesn’t), before he promptly walks out of the room, carrying his bag of clothes.

 

It takes Shepard a date on the Citadel, a mind-blowing blowjob, the promise of a home-cooked breakfast in the morning in the Citadel apartment and the cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die swear that Kaidan will always keep the left side of the bed before Kaidan agrees to move into Shepard’s cabin again.

 

Whether Shepard’s learnt his lesson on bedside preferences or not is still unclear.

 

 

  1.        That _One_ Batarian Eel



 

“It’s not watching us, Kaidan,” Shepard repeats for the tenth time in the three days since Kaidan moved in.

“It’s giving me the fish-eye, Shepard.”

“It’s a fish, Kaidan, and it can’t help that.”

“I’m telling you, it hates me. It’s probably in love with you and sees me as competition. Don’t think it doesn’t ogle you and think dirty thoughts when it sees you naked.”

 

Shepard doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at Kaidan’s statement, so the sound he lets out is some bizarre mix that sounds kind of like a snort and he chokes on the sound. A coughing fit isn’t what he had in mind when he went to bed with Kaidan, both a bit drunk (Kaidan more so than Shepard).

 

He tries to kiss Kaidan, but Shepard senses he’s distracted, and when he pulls back, he sees Kaidan is giving the eel the stinky-eye back, although he looks a bit cross-eyed due to the alcohol, and even knowing the eel can’t understand what the look means or is about, Shepard can’t help but think that if it did, the look currently in Kaidan’s eyes would only make it laugh.

 

“Fine, I’ll talk to Batman in the morning, okay?”

“You called the eel Batman? Really, Shepard?”

“He’s the only eel left in the tank, okay? And I didn’t want to give him a Batarian name, either, so I ended up with Batman.”

 

Kaidan tries, and fails, at rolling his eyes over the name and reason.

 

“Come on, big guy, let’s give Batman something to be jealous about,” Shepard says, a wicked grin on his face.

 

It’s something Kaidan absolutely can’t say no to.

 

 

  1.        Shepard-Won’t-Wake-Kaidan-Up



 

Looking at Kaidan is so easy, easier than breathing, and something Shepard does every chance he gets.

It’s easiest in the mornings, or when Shepard wakes up from a nightmare, because then Kaidan is asleep and calm and so, so beautiful. His hair is mussed, be it from sleep or sex or both – not in its usual slicked back state, and it’s hard for Shepard not to run his hands through his hair. Or over the sun-kissed skin with muscles underneath shifting as Kaidan moves in his sleep.

 

Kaidan doesn’t know Shepard watches him, watches _over_ him, and when he wakes to find Shepard watch him, he will often smile drowsily at him and let out a gravely “morning”. But Kaidan isn’t one for long mornings in bed, and will also be annoyed at Shepard for not waking him sooner.

 

“You know I like to get the most out of my days, Shepard,” he’ll say, and hurry into the shower where he’ll spend ages getting his hair done.

For most parts of those days, Kaidan will be annoyed, he’ll grumble and not give full answers or avoid Shepard s much as he can, although he’ll admit at the end of the days, as they crawl into bed together – Kaidan at the left side – that it’s a stupid thing to squabble about.

 

But Shepard doesn’t care. He’s rewarded with the slightly parted lips as Kaidan sleeps, with the steady, comforting rhythm of his beating heart, with the aura of peace which seems to surround him only when he’s sleeping quietly, carefully, protected.

 

Awake, Kaidan protects Shepard more than the other way around, have been ever since they met the first time; even when they were on opposite sides. But Shepard thinks Kaidan finally lets that go when he sleeps; that they are equal at last. And when Shepard watches over Kaidan, he feels _he’s_ the protector, that finally Shepard is the one to protect the other man, even with no apparent and imminent dangers at hand.

 

So Shepard can take the annoyance and lack of morning sex if it means he can watch Kaidan finally _rest_. Because Kaidan deserves to sleep peacefully as long as he can, when he can, because something will happen that will disturb or hinder it, and Shepard will do everything he can to stop that.

 

Shepard doesn’t know how to describe the feeling of serenity. He’s tried almost every time he’s watched Kaidan sleep or relax, but no words come to mind that can come even remotely close.

 

He’s grown up as a solider, trained to have targets and feelings for those targets, but they don’t teach you about these kinds of feelings, these kinds of targets.

 

He doesn’t give up trying to put words to it; he simply accepts the fact that it’s impossible to do and therefor no point in trying anymore.

 

 

  1.        Difference Between _That_ Stuff and the Good Stuff



 

“Seriously, can’t you taste the difference between that stuff and the good stuff, Shepard?” Kaidan repeats, but with no heat this time.

The squabble occurs so often that the crew have become immune to it, and even to Kaidan and Shepard it’s more of a statement of how incredulous Kaidan finds the fact.

 

“It’s just coffee, Kaidan.” Once again, a raised eyebrow is all he receives.

“If you’re not careful, you’ll end up with your eyebrow stuck like that.”

“Yeah, cause it’s not like you make it hard what with you calling your Batarian eel Batman, or not understanding why I like to get up early or only sleep on the left side of the bed. Did you even talk to the eel as you said you would?”

“Come on, Kaidan, there’s no need to bring up our squabbles over coffee and my tastebuds which are apparently inferior to yours. Even though they tell me you taste exquisite.”

 

The last comment brings the entire room to silence, and Kaidan even spit out his _perfect_ coffee.

The silence lasts for one beat, two beats, three beats, before Kaidan quietly puts down his cup of coffee and leaves as dignified as one possible can after a comment like that, in order to find something a lot stronger than coffee at the bar.

 

Shepard on the other hand flees as soon as he’s able to back to the safety of his – their – cabin, which is the only place where he’ll get even a hint of privacy.

 

 

4.1   The “That Time I was Dead” Joke

 

“I don’t know, Kaidan, maybe I lost those tastebuds when I was platelets floating through deep space.”

 

Kaidan’s jaw locks oddly into place, as if someone swapped his toothpaste with superglue and he only just noticed it a second too late and tried to get his mouth open again.

It would have been laughable if not for the fact that his whole body and mind seems to lock down, reverting to the solider, not the lover, with shoulders square and a look in his eyes that can’t properly be described because of all the mixed emotions.

 

It’s not the first time Shepard’s made a joke about his “death”, and he curses himself every time he does, especially in front of Kaidan. Kaidan, who took this hardest; Kaidan, who loved him and lost him; Kaidan who took his return as a betrayal.

 

To Shepard, it feels as if he’s ripped out a part of his heart, and he can’t even begin to fathom what it must feel like for Kaidan.

For Kaidan, who still has nightmares about Shepard dying and coming back as someone he no longer knows. For Kaidan, who was afraid to love again because he was afraid he’d lose again.

 

It’s still a fear, will always be, in fact. Shepard accepts that, and wishes he could beat some sense into himself when he slips up and hurts Kaidan.

 

“Kaidan…”

The searing look silences any words he might have tried to say, and Shepard looks to the ground, unable to look at the hurt and pain in Kaidan’s eyes.

 

The room falls silent as it had two days prior, but this time it’s the other inhabitants who flee, almost tripping over one another in their haste to get away from the two biotics.

Kaidan is scary enough on his own,, and no one wants to witness the devastations that will occur over a fight like this.

 

The crew have witnesses or heard of other squabbles, but this is tenfolds worse.

 

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Kaidan. I didn’t mean to say it, I really didn’t. It was just the constant coffee comments that set me off and I…” Shepard sounds so vulnerable, so lost and hurt himself, and so mad at himself for making such a slip, he doesn’t know what do to.

 

“Don’t.”

 

When Shepard dares to look towards the voice, he finds it’s not Kaidan, but Garrus who spoke. In fact, Kaidan is nowhere to be seen.

“Leave him be, Shepard. Don’t try to explain it; you’ll only make it worse. Give him some time to lick his wounds – and I don’t care if you humans mean that figuratively or literally. And don’t think you’ll get any help from the rest of us – Kaidan might have taken it much harder and in different ways from us, but it doesn’t mean he was the only one who felt any loss. Just remember that.”

 

With that, Shepard is left alone, without even EDI on the speaker.

 

So he goes down to talk to Vega, hoping the larger man will give him what he needs, no matter the reason.

As he can’t beat himself up, he might as well get someone else to do it, and who better than Vega; especially as he needs the physical pain, to feel actual fists connect to his skin and bruise him until he’s more blue than white.

 

Arriving in the shuttle bay, he hears Cortez tell Kaidan that he’ll be right there and that he’ll grab a bottle of whiskey on the way up.

Shepard gets another searing look from the pilot, and knows that it’s only right that Cortez helps Kaidan through this, because if anyone on this ship knows loss in that way, it’s him.

 

Vega gives him what he wants, the shuttle bay filled with grunts, skin and fists hitting skin and heavy breathing.

It feels like Vega’s been pounding his body for hours when Shepard collapses to the ground.

 

Looking up, there is still a hardness in Vega’s eyes, but he nods and grunts as though he approves and helps Shepard get back on his feet.

 

It takes days before things are okay between them again, but they love each other too much to let it stop them from being with the other person.

It’s their first real fight and it was hard on them both, but they vow to work through it together.

 

 

  1.        How Long Kaidan Takes in the Shower



 

“Is this why you get up so early in the morning, Kaidan? You’ve been in there for like tweny-five minutes now, you done soon?”

“We all have our quirks, Shepard. Yours is shaving your hair in that special way and length, mine is hygiene.”

“And here I thought you were spending all your time thinking about me.”

“Someone likes to think highly of themselves I hear.”

 

Kaidan’s never told Shepard why he takes such a long time, but it helps with his migraines and lighter headaches, in addition to the fact that it’s still a luxury to have a shower where he’s not constantly on display for other soldiers and biotics and can take more than a couple minutes to get done. It makes him feel clean, and it allows the warmth of the hot water to properly seep into his bones and warm him. In truth, he spends more time standing under the spray than cleaning himself.

 

Not that Shepard needs to know; Kaidan’s allowed to keep some secrets and Shepard is allowed his delusions about whatever it is Kaidan spends his time doing.

And it’s not like Shepard’s thoughts are just illusions; sometimes Kaidan does think about him and takes longer to get done, his bones turned to jelly and an ache in his shoulder from the awkward angle of his own fingers trying to mimic Shepard’s skilled, calloused ones.

 

“Just don’t spend as long in there, okay? It’s not like it’s your cabin or your shower, you know.”

So what if it seems immature of him that Kaidan stays in the shower for another fifteen minutes, just to spite Shepard for his comment. Kaidan might not be a commander and have his own cabin or crew or ship, but it was Shepard who invited him to come up and live there with him, and so he should refrain from comments like that.

 

Shepard should learn that sharing a bed means sharing a shower and that means that Kaidan can take however long he wants under the spray of water – which is only now starting to feel colder – and Shepard should accept that.

 

Because Kaidan knows how to hold a grudge and could be willing to move back into the crew quarters to make Shepard realise what he would miss out on – even if it does mean shorter showers and no heat of a body next to him at night.

 

 

5.1   All the Bottle of Hair Stuff Kaidan Keeps in the Shower.

 

“Isn’t it enough that I’ve stopped complaining about you showering for too long? Do you really need to stuff it with all your hair products as well?”

“You know, Shepard, I think you’re just jealous of my hair. I’m pretty sure you’d have a few bottles yourself if you’d let your own grow out. Oh, that’s right; it’s like your signature, isn’t it? With hair, you’d look just like any other human and not _the_ Commander.”

 

Apparently, Shepard hasn’t had any coffee yet, because he emerges from the bathroom stark naked only to glare at Kaidan because of his comment.

 

“I happen to like my hair because it’s low maintenance and unlike certain someone I don’t get helmet hair, and I don’t have to buy ten bottles of stuff you only get from Earth and therefor stock up on the few occasions we go back there.”

“Well, if it’s such a problem, why don’t I just move back into the crew quarters and you can have your precious space back?” Kaidan flings out his arms in annoyance.

“I just wondered if you needed to keep them in the shower all the time, I didn’t tell you to move out of my cabin.”

 

Kaidan gets off the bed, where he was putting on his boots.

“See, there you go again. ‘My cabin’ you say, ‘my shower’. Did you really want me to move in with you, or was it just because of the available sex?”

“What the hell, Kaidan, you know it’s not like that!”

“Fine, I’ll take the bottles out of the shower every time I’m done in there, as long as you get rid of the useless memorabilia on the coffee-tables and desk, because if we’re to share this space I don’t want that creepy head looking at me and what is the point of having a chessboard with only one set of pieces and not knowing who could suddenly connect with their own set? And don’t even get me started on the fact that you got several of these things from dead people.”

“Fine, keep the bottles in the shower. But I’m keeping the chessboard, because Traynor is still teaching me to play and we both like the feel of something solid in our hands.”

 

Kaidan sighs in exasperation.

“There’s just no stopping you and your innuendos is there?”

“No, but you can try to make me shut up. There’s a long shower in it for you if you wanna give it a go.”

 

Kaidan replies by smacking Shepard in his face with a pillow on his way out of the cabin.

 

 

  1.        When Kaidan Hogs the Covers



 

“We really need to get separate covers because I’m done trying to wrestle you each night only to wake up an hour later feeling like my toes are gonna fall off.”

“And here I thought you liked to wrestle in bed.”

“Major, I am shocked. I thought you were incapable of innuendos.”

“I aim to surprise.”

 

It’s no problem when they spoon at night, but eventually they will drift apart in sleep and Shepard ends up with barely enough fabric to cover his chest while Kaidan ends up wrapped up like a cocoon. Shepard doesn’t know how Kaidan manages it, and he’s frankly getting really tired of constantly waking up cold in the middle of the night and having to try to shift Kaidan in order to get some of the fabric for himself.

 

“I don’t get how you do it, though. It’s like you’re trying to go to sleep for the winter or something.”

“What can I say; it’s a gift.”

 

The problem occurs two nights later, when Shepard tries to shift Kaidan, and accidentally ends up rolling him down on the floor, his head barely missing the bedside table.

Shepard ends up sleeping on the couch for the next couple of nights, and Kaidan still clings to the left side of the bed even though he could have spread out over the whole thing.

 

Shepard finally realises Kaidan really can’t sleep anywhere but the left side of the bed.

 

He makes sure they stop by a place where they can buy a couple covers they can have to themselves, so there will be no more freezing for Shepard and no more falling-to-the-floor-because-of-Shepard for Kaidan.

And so what if he buys an extra set so Kaidan can bundle up like a larva if he wants to? It’s not like he intends to tell Kaidan that, because Kaidan would only overreact.

 

 

  1.        “No Shepard Without Vakarian”



 

“If you so much as _try_ to touch me while wearing that t-shirt I swear to the reapers I will forcefully shove you into the fishtank so you can cuddle up with Batman, because there is no way that thing you call a t-shirt is coming anywhere near me.”

 

Shepard can’t really see what’s wrong about the shirt Garrus got him earlier that day. It’s got a picture of Garrus and himself on it, underneath the words “No Shepard without Vakarian”, and Shepard finds it really awesome.

 

“What’s wrong with it? It’s just a friendship thing and it’s not like I’m wearing it over my armour.”

“If it’s such a great thing and friendship token, why don’t you go cuddle up with Vakarian at night? Or would that be going too far?”

 

There is venom in Kaidan’s voice and it sounds even worse than when Shepard made that “when I was dead” joke a couple weeks ago.

 

“You need to stop overreacting all the time.”

Okay, so maybe saying that wasn’t the smartest idea, because Shepard suddenly finds himself flying across the room towards the door leading out to the hallway. Granted, he’s encased in a bubble of biotic energy, but it still hurts when he hits the inside of the elevator and finds himself heading down to the floor Garrus sleeps on.

 

“The hell happened, Shepard?” Garrus asks, standing over Shepard, who suddenly finds himself at the elevator floor.

“I think Kaidan just kicked me out.”

“For what?”

“The t-shirt. Apparently I’m not allowed to touch him while wearing it and there was something about how I should cuddle up with you instead. And I might have told him he was overreacting…”

“I don’t get it,” Garrus replies as he helps Shepard get back up. “The t-shirt is just telling the truth. You think he’s jealous? Maybe we should get him one too.”

 

Shepard thinks for a bit, the alcohol from earlier making it a bit harder to try to comprehend why Kaidan acted as he did.

 

“I think I’ll just sleep somewhere else tonight and ask him when he’s not affected by the alcohol. He overreacts sometimes, even more when he’s had something to drink.”

 

Kaidan holds a grudge over the t-shirt for two weeks, and Shepard ends up sleeping in a bed down where Jack had spent her time on the ship.

For all of Kaidan’s threats about moving out of the cabin, Shepard never thought that _he_ would be the one to sleep elsewhere.

It’s his ship and his command and his cabin, so he can’t quite comprehend why he’s accepting it, but at least he gets to sleep in the shirt Garrus gave him.

 

It’s strange to think about how a piece of clothing ended up being what their worst and longest fight was about; even Cerberus only lasted a short time compared to this.

 

“I’ve been with you since before the start, Shepard. The t-shirt makes it feel as though Garrus is the reason for you being who you are, as though he was the one you fought with on Eden Prime when it all started and he was the one you chose on Virmire and he’s the reason you’re still here. It makes me feel diminished, less important. When you wore the shirt it made me feel like less, like I’ve had no part in us coming here, to where we are now. The thought of you wearing it to public, as a statement that Garrus was more important than me hurt.”

 

It makes Shepard really think. About Kaidan, about the ones he’s fought by and lost and how not one person is more or less important than anyone else, despite the amount of time knowing them and spending time by their side.

Kaidan might have been with him since the start, but it doesn’t mean he influenced him more than Legion or Ashley or Vega.

 

“You’re all important, Kaidan. Don’t think anything but that. It’s not about how you weren’t there when I used Cerberus to save all those people, or that my heart and gut told me to pick you over Ashely when I knew I could save only one of you. You’re all important; synthetic or organic, dead or alive; friend or boyfriend. You’ve all influenced me and stood by and against me, because that’s what friends do.”

 

He takes a break to let his words sink in, to give Kaidan a chance to accept or reject.

 

“It’s okay, Shepard.  I get it. I was irrational again, and I feel so stupid that I was mad for so long over a stupid piece of clothing.”

“Then we agree you overreact too often?”

 

Shepard ends up spending another week on the cot for that comment, and learns that maybe he should stop telling Kaidan he’s overreacting. Even if he is – which is all the time – because Shepard would rather sleep in his own bed without covers than have Kaidan give him that scathing look again.

**Author's Note:**

> It's probably shitty, and turned out longer than I thought. Sorry, it's two in the morning and I'm exhausted


End file.
